saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
