my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
