Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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