yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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