sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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