I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
