and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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