She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
