he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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