His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
