Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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