I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
