They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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