so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
