So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
