I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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