the condom got lost in my hair
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
