the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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