I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
