Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
