i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
