You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
All the doctor said was why
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
