Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
soo... how was my night?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
