I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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