If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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