He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
