So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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