bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you win again, gameday.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
