it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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