Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
