two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
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When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
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We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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