I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
