Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
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so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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