a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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