hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
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My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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