3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
