if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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