he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
