Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
