I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
