god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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