And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
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you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
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I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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