i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
