so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
