If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
