First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
