you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
