WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
