I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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