jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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