he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
