My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize