I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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