she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
