So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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