We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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