Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
