if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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